Nix Adams On Her Journey From Addiction To Recovery

A Path Toward Healing

Nix Adams now resides in the Far North with her partner and children, a life she could not have imagined when she left prison in 2018. At that time, she lacked a long-term strategy for her future, choosing instead to focus on a single, vital goal: remaining sober. She believed that maintaining her sobriety was the only way she would eventually be reunited with her children. Rather than overwhelming herself with multi-year plans, she adopted a day-by-day approach to her recovery, avoiding the stress of trying to construct a two-year or three-year plan while she was still finding her footing.

Her struggle began following the death of her 16-month-old son, Alaska, in 2013 while she was living in Australia. The profound grief from this loss led her into a downward spiral characterized by drug addiction, specifically meth, as well as dealing and sex work. Adams explains that she used substances to numb the emotional pain of her loss. During this period, she struggled with suicidal thoughts, driven by a desire to be with her son. She believed that her son was alone in heaven and scared because he only knew his parents, and she felt a desperate need to be there with him.

Overcoming Dark Moments

Despite her despair, a childhood lesson from Bible class created a fear that taking her own life would prevent her from entering heaven. She envisioned a scenario where she would be barred from the golden gates, unable to reach her son who would be crying for her with his arms outstretched. This belief led her to a dangerous conclusion; she decided that if she could not reach heaven through her own hand, she would act in a way that would lead to her death by someone else’s hand. She believed that if she were killed, it would be classed as murder, which she thought would allow her entry into the afterlife. This mindset fueled a period she describes as a rampage, during which she felt she had nothing left to lose and acted without care.

It was during her time in prison that Adams was forced to break her addiction to meth. Upon returning to Aotearoa and achieving sobriety, she began the process of rebuilding her life. In 2018, she started posting videos on Facebook to demonstrate to her children that she was clean and working toward their reunion. This effort eventually grew into a significant social media presence, with three million followers now following her journey and her life updates.

Breaking Intergenerational Cycles

Beyond her personal recovery, Adams has focused on healing her relationship with her mother. In her 30s, the two had an adult conversation where her mother revealed the hardships of her own upbringing. Her mother shared that she had spent her childhood as a little girl wondering why she was not loved by her own mother. This revelation helped Adams understand that her mother lacked the emotional tools to provide the support Adams had craved for thirty years, describing the experience as wanting an orange from an apple tree. She realized that her mother simply could not give her what she didn’t have.

Through this mutual understanding, they have been able to heal together. Adams views this process as essential for breaking the chain of intergenerational trauma, ensuring that these patterns are not passed down to her two daughters. She is determined to stop the cycle of pain that had affected previous generations of her family.

Today, Adams is in a positive place in her life. She has recently authored a memoir titled Nothing to Lose: A Mother’s Journey Through Grief, Addiction and Recovery, and won Celebrity Treasure Island. She maintains her progress by ignoring negative opinions and external criticism. She lives by a quote suggesting that if one stops to throw stones at every barking dog, they will never reach their destination. By refusing to let the opinions of others affect her, she has successfully transitioned from a life of addiction to one of stability and family.